Mother's Day

Even though I'm not on all those great baby creation enhancing drugs this month, we're still going to give it the ol' college try. My doctor told me to start the ovulation predictor tests today, and when the test was negative this morning, I kept hearing in my head, "We are no go for coitus." It does sometimes feel like it would be easier to launch the shuttle.

Mother's Day is this Sunday. I can't say with sincerity that it's tearing me up inside. I do my best not to think about what if I'm never a mother, but it certainly provides a reason to reflect. Here is a day to celebrate the Mother, and not that the Mother and all of her efforts aren't worthy of celebration, but where's the day to celebrate the non-Mom and her trials and tribulations? And if I don't ever get to register for a baby shower, can I pull a Carrie from Sex in the City and register for shoes?

I'm sure in an effort to keep me positive, a lot of people say to me, "It will happen to you," or "I know you'll have your turn." I always just agree with them, because they really do believe it and really do want me to have my turn. The reality though is that there are many couples out there that will never conceive even after pursuing the latest science has to offer.

Many couples will turn to adoption and those that successfully adopt are as much parents as any Mom and Dad with birth children. But for J and me, adoption isn't an option. I was told by one former social worker that J would be too old for foreign adoptions. You know that joke, "You're so old you can't adopt a baby." No, not familiar with it? But that's not the main reason we won't adopt. J was adopted. A closed adoption. He knows absolutely nothing about his birth family other than what he was able to gather from having his DNA analyzed. Uncle Ötzi, why don't you ever write or call?

His adoptive parents are wonderful and there is a lot of love there, but being adopted has been a very hard thing for J. He's worked through all the emotions one might expect -- abandonment, alienation -- and he doesn't feel he has it in him to raise an adopted child the way the child deserves to be raised. I respect this and would never ask him to do it.

The reality is that there are some people for whom it will never happen, who will never get their turn. I really may find myself in a few years as a permanent non-Mom. If I do, I'm creating a day for me. I'm not sure of all the logistics, but it's going to involve a lot of red wine and cheese.