It tasted good, with hints of good.

I had an unusually fancy dinner planned for last night considering it was Wednesday and just J and me. It gave me the silly notion to do a foodie entry. Silly because I love red wine more than anything but am certainly no expert, and silly because a foodie blog should have beautiful photographs and there is something wrong with my camera and I’m currently relying on my crappy, three year old cell phone for taking pictures.

The fancy dinner was simply a result of wanting to use ingredients I had on hand. I realized this morning that but for the butter, bread, salad dressing and wine, the entire meal was made from ingredients purchased at Costco. The Costco ingredient list consisted of garlic powder, sea salt, black pepper, steak filets, vine ripened tomatoes, olive oil, salad mix, and blue cheese. If when you die you go to heaven and heaven is different for each person and it’s that person’s own idea of nirvana, then when I die I’m going to Costco. There is nothing as cathartic as buying in bulk.

I’ll start with the wine. Last Monday, J and I went to BevMo!. I always enjoy my trips there because I use it as an excuse to buy copious amounts of wine. I purchased several bottles of red all in the $15 range. Last night, I opened the 2003 Hess, which is a Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley. The bottle says the wine has a youthful flavor, or something like that, and it is aged 14 months in small oak barrels.

I thought it was good, not wonderful, but perfectly pleasant. I tried to be professional about my tasting and began by looking at its legs. It had discernable legs, but wasn’t clinging to the glass like some other wines I’ve had. I then came to grips with the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to write notes on wine. It had nice legs, not Rockette material, but nice? I did do that draw air in and gurgle thing and I thought I tasted a bit of strawberry, but I really don’t know. Let’s just say it was probably worth the $15.

Dinner consisted of store bought mixed greens tossed in a store bought balsamic vinaigrette dressing, roasted vine ripened tomatoes with blue cheese, grilled steak fillets and sourdough garlic bread. To prepare the steaks, I rubbed them with olive oil, ground sea salt, ground black pepper and garlic powder and then grilled them four minutes on each side (two minutes, twist, two minutes, flip, two minutes, twist, two minutes, off the grill to rest 10 minutes). The tomatoes were halved, cored, drizzled with olive oil, sprinkled with fresh ground sea salt and black pepper and roasted for 15 minutes at 400 degrees. I then put crumbled blue cheese on top and roasted an additional five minutes. The garlic bread was nothing more than slices of Trader Joe’s seeded sourdough bread topped with butter, ground sea salt and garlic powder and broiled.

One tip about the steak, I like to buy a whole loin from Costco and then trim it and cut it into steaks myself. It provides me several meals for not too many dollars and the steaks are the perfect portion – sort of on the small size, but really the amount we should be eating. I learned the technique from Alton Brown’s Good Eats, Tender is the Loin.

The meal tasted wonderful and was quick and easy. I would recommend it for a fast weeknight meal or for entertaining.

Time for an Update

As I wrote about in an earlier post, I took no infertility drugs the last cycle. The ultrasound earlier this month showed a follicle too far along to permit drugs. Fortunately, the ultrasound today was done early enough and I will be taking 100 milligrams of Clomid starting today, have another ultrasound on June 6, will then do the Ovidrel shot, and then progesterone suppositories.

The doctor would also like to do an IUI this month, but because nothing with this process is ever easy, I STILL DON’T HAVE J’S HIV TEST RESULTS, but instead have twice been sent the HTLV results. I’ve been reminding J to take care of this for weeks, but his doctor’s office is inept, obviously, so he finds it frustrating to talk to them and he did not follow up until this morning when I called him after my appointment and “reminded” him. That I had to remind him is of course something I find frustrating.

Part of the problem is that privacy laws supposedly prevent anyone at his doctor's office but his doctor from looking at the results of the test or even confirming that he had a test. I find my desire for an adequate response to J’s and my needs difficult to reconcile with my support for patient privacy.

This morning was the first time the lobby of the clinic was busy. With all my past appointments, it was either just me in the lobby, or maybe one other person. Today, I counted at least seven pregnant women. My mental response to this went back and forth between, why can't I be pregnant, too, to if they are here and pregnant there is hope for me, back to there are women this doesn't work for, I could be one of those women, and so on. I felt a little teary but held it back because I didn't want to be the lady in the RE's office crying.

So that’s where we’re at. I’m sure I’ll be posting about the Clomid side effects soon. Zzzzzzz ...

In Pursuit of the Treat

I give the dogs a small treat after their breakfast as I'm leaving for work. I also give them a small treat after their dinner. They've all three of them become very bossy about their treats. They know when they are supposed to get a treat and they want you to know they know.

They will stare at you, pant, wag their tails and sometimes even bark or whine. They will walk over to the counter where the treats are and stare at the treats. They will climb up on you like lap dogs if you are on the couch, which can be a little cumbersome considering Karl is 75 lbs and Wolfie 65, and one of them isn't about to sit around and watch the other dog crawl on you if there is anyway they can get in on a little of the action themselves.

All this in pursuit of the treat. J recently decided that they are not Keeshonden (mixes) and has renamed them American Treat Hounds. I think we should apply for AKC recognition.

The Great Gazoo

J has this voice he sometimes uses when joking around, it's sort of a British butler voice for lack of a better way to describe it. Saturday night, we were sitting around talking and J started using the voice. He reminded me of someone or something. After a few moments I said, "Wait, you sound like that guy, that alien guy from The Flintstones, what was his name, Ga--." J abruptly cut me off. "Don't say it," he demanded. When I asked him, "Why?," he responded, "They used to call me that in high school." I laughed hard. If you know J, you are laughing hard now, too.

Precious Moments

If it's possible for a 40 year old man to be precious, then I would say that J has his precious moments. He also has moments where he is the most infuriating #$%& in the world, but his precious moments make it all worth it.

After 6 years together grilling with charcoal, first with a Smokey Joe and then later with a larger, Weber grill, we are finally graduating to gas. The delay was in large part, okay, fine, it was completely due to me because I insisted I wanted a built in grill.

They started work on it last week and are making quick progress (see photo). In addition to a grilling area, we are having our landscaper build a raised planter for more vegetables (we currently have about six pots of various hot peppers). They are also going to reseal the stamped concrete and generally make the place look presentable. I will post more photos when they are done (the construction will go quickly, but unfortunately the actual grill is on back order until mid-June).

Last night, we grilled steaks on the Weber. I was looking for my tongs to turn the steaks over and couldn't find them. It was pretty dark out on our patio and when I called out to J and asked if he knew where they were, he admitted he had them and that he was over by where the new grill will be "pretending."

Mother's Day

Even though I'm not on all those great baby creation enhancing drugs this month, we're still going to give it the ol' college try. My doctor told me to start the ovulation predictor tests today, and when the test was negative this morning, I kept hearing in my head, "We are no go for coitus." It does sometimes feel like it would be easier to launch the shuttle.

Mother's Day is this Sunday. I can't say with sincerity that it's tearing me up inside. I do my best not to think about what if I'm never a mother, but it certainly provides a reason to reflect. Here is a day to celebrate the Mother, and not that the Mother and all of her efforts aren't worthy of celebration, but where's the day to celebrate the non-Mom and her trials and tribulations? And if I don't ever get to register for a baby shower, can I pull a Carrie from Sex in the City and register for shoes?

I'm sure in an effort to keep me positive, a lot of people say to me, "It will happen to you," or "I know you'll have your turn." I always just agree with them, because they really do believe it and really do want me to have my turn. The reality though is that there are many couples out there that will never conceive even after pursuing the latest science has to offer.

Many couples will turn to adoption and those that successfully adopt are as much parents as any Mom and Dad with birth children. But for J and me, adoption isn't an option. I was told by one former social worker that J would be too old for foreign adoptions. You know that joke, "You're so old you can't adopt a baby." No, not familiar with it? But that's not the main reason we won't adopt. J was adopted. A closed adoption. He knows absolutely nothing about his birth family other than what he was able to gather from having his DNA analyzed. Uncle Ötzi, why don't you ever write or call?

His adoptive parents are wonderful and there is a lot of love there, but being adopted has been a very hard thing for J. He's worked through all the emotions one might expect -- abandonment, alienation -- and he doesn't feel he has it in him to raise an adopted child the way the child deserves to be raised. I respect this and would never ask him to do it.

The reality is that there are some people for whom it will never happen, who will never get their turn. I really may find myself in a few years as a permanent non-Mom. If I do, I'm creating a day for me. I'm not sure of all the logistics, but it's going to involve a lot of red wine and cheese.

A Conversation with Nerd Boy

[16:53] j: I don't think you can use the word "shoot" in a school zone.
[16:59] babykesq: Yes you can. "Shoot for two two two" *clap clap* Shoot for two two two" *clap clap* "Down down down the court, up up up the score, down the court, up the score, shoot for two" "Dribble it, dribble it, shoot, shoot, take that ball to the hoop, hoop."
[17:01] j: nope someone will call security if you say shoot
[17:10] babykesq: No, but they would if I pointed at you and yelled shooter!!! And then I'd get my insurance $$$ when they took you down.
[17:13] j: but you'll be sad.
[17:20] babykesq: Yes, I will miss watching TV with you on the same couch with me programming your phone and complaining whenever I try to interact with you.
[17:21] j: IM me instead.

But It's a Classic!

J took his Audi in today for routine maintenance and was told there was a hard to get to oil leak, as well as something blah blah wheel blah blah cracking. Looks like we'll be buying a new car in October when the new models come out. I know, a new car? Already? It's only been, what, 11 years and 220,000 miles? Those German engineers are such slackers.

J had been eying the BMW Diesel, but couldn't really justify it because his Audi was still running strong. It's so old, pieces on the inside are beginning to deteriorate, but it just kept chugging along. I was really hoping that it would never break down and he'd have to drive the thing forever.

I had my first day of heavy flow (not spotting) today, which would typically count as the first day of a menstrual cycle and I would start Clomid on day three. I went in this morning as scheduled for an ultrasound and I had an already well developed follicle making it too late for any drugs. Stupid body.

My doctor was baffled and told me we'd just do a natural cycle this month unless any of her colleagues disagreed. She wants me to use the ovulation predictor sticks, though, to at least be able to track when I ovulate during a natural cycle and I'm to call her on my first day of spotting. She seems intrigued by my case and assured me she'd "figure this out."

While I was waiting to be called by the nurse, I leafed through a magazine titled, Conceive. I came across an article about intercourse by a schedule sometimes being less than arousing and how to bring excitement back to it. One suggestion was to change locations and listed the living room couch and the kitchen floor as options. I was reminded of the movie, When Harry Met Sally, and Sally saying, "It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile."

It looks like this wasn't my month. I have begun to lightly spot and am certain a full menstrual flow is but a few days away. Coincidentally, my doctor counted her days wrong, called me at 6 tonight, announced it had been 2 weeks and asked if I had gotten my period or taken a pregnancy test. I explained to her it hadn't yet been two weeks, but that I had begun spotting.

If my period does come in the next day or two, it would be very early even for my 24 day cycle. However, my last period was a few days late because I had the flu (at least, I think that's why). If my last period had not been a few days late, the spotting today would be right on schedule. I tried to explain this to her about three times and at the end of each explanation I said, "Does that make sense?" And each time she responded, "Uh, no." I couldn't help but laugh. The poor women, who is really very nice, then said, "Ohhh, it's not funny."

The way she said it I could tell it was an attempt to convey she was really concerned for me. I told her I had to laugh, that I'd been trying to have a baby for over three years and if I couldn't laugh about it, I'd be miserable. She appreciated the positive attitude.

So, what next? Whether I get a full flow or not, I go in Monday at 7:15 a.m. for an ultrasound. Crikey that's early! If I am not pregnant, then she will prescribe 100 mg of Clomid, Ovidrel (hCG) and progesterone suppositories. The progesterone suppositories are a new thing that I don't know much about. Once I've researched a bit and used them, I'll let you know more.

We probably won't do the IUI this month. One, we are still waiting on J's doctor to send the HIV results. He keeps sending the HTLV results. (These are part of the California law labs that have to be done prior to an IUI). Second, right now we are concentrating on getting my cycle corrected because, in my doctors words, "there is something very wrong." I do like that she is proactive and involved. I've come to expect very little from doctors which is sad.

I called J to tell him about the conversation, and to tell him to call me when he left his office because I need to turn on the rice cooker. When I got to the part about the suppositories he said, "Ohh, those?" And I said, "Yeah, vaginal suppositories." So then J said, "Ohhhhhh, vaginal, I was wondering how the other spot would help." Seriously, the boy is dense!

Buttering Up Karma

I really don’t feel like this is the month I’ll get pregnant. I feel that it will happen for me, but that karma is going to make me pay a few dollars first.

I’m not a religious person, and I never considered myself superstitious, but I’m starting to realize I am. The fact that I knock on wood about 20 times a day and have for at least the last 25 years probably should have keyed me in. In fact, I feel like I should be knocking on some right now.

I figure since I’m asking the universe to give me a baby, and a few other things, that I really ought to do my best to keep karma on my side. I began my efforts at buttering her up in earnest on Saturday when I got out to my car and realized the Henry’s clerk hadn’t charged me for the New Mexico chile powder I needed for the Tacos Nogales that night and so I turned around, marched back into the store, and stood in line for 10 minutes so I could pay them my $1.19.

I just hope she doesn’t hold it against me that for about 30 seconds, after seeing the long checkout lines, I considered not paying for it.